Jokes from the Vortex

No Of fence

M

Been Drunk?

The 5 stages of drunkness theory:

Stage 1: CLEVER
This is the stage that you suddenly become an expert on every subject known to the universe. You KNOW everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both arties are CLEVER.

Stage 2: GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger, knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3: RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER, so naturally, you win all the bets. It doesnt matter how much you bet, because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4: BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with everyone and anyone, especially those with whom you are betting or arguing with. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this stage you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are CLEVER, you’re RICH and hell You’re BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5: INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkness. At this stage you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU! You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

AND THEN YOU SOBER UP!!

Stage 1: STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea you realise that you have not only lost several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now offically stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get to your third bacon sandwich.

Stage 2: UGLY
Never entirely happy with the cosmetic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have become even less attractive that you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/ sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you’ve either left your makeup on over night, or are shaking so much that you now look like you’ve shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.

Stage 3: POOR
Having crawled out of the bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point to last the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened, but the smell of curry on you coat leads you to think that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lager at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a $20/$50 by mistake. Realising that you couldn’t have been that stupid and you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe humanity.

Stage 4: Made of Glass
You are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical conditions is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled roughly.

Stage 5: Circus Freak
Luckily, any non hungover person can spot this condition and it causes for great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shoutingat you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food, as it will make you better. You are too STUPID to hide, too conspicuously ugly to get away with it and too poor to buy berocca and too fragile to hit them And then you go and do it all over the next night!